Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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