loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
