You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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