im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
