Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
