i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
