plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize