wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
