I look better un-naked...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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