If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
