I met the friendliest cop last night
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
