ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
