yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize