Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
