Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
