a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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