someone threw a dead crab at me
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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