I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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