I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
