im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
