i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
