i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
