Don't make out with my wife yet
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize