I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
