JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
