Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
