WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
