Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize