Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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