i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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