I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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