Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Randomize