i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
