I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
