"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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