did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize