this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
