Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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