you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
NoShamevember. You game?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
