You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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