did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
