omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
