her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
