I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize