My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
