I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
don't judge my taste in strippers
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
