there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
