I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
