Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
