haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
someone threw a dead crab at me
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
