I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
