mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
