So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
