I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
