i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize