The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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