my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
