____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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