We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize