A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
