He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
