Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My feet surprised me
Randomize
