just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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