I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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