i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
