I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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