Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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